


if you don't know (let me go)

by palangga



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Break Up, Break Up Talk, M/M, atsumu libra intensified, atsumu sleep talks, no beta we die like men as always, uhhhh idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palangga/pseuds/palangga
Summary: kiyoomi catches atsumu sleep talking, mentioning a name he least expected to hear.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 84





	if you don't know (let me go)

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired from this song
> 
> reposted and edited some parts. i hope this made sense hehe. enjoy, hopefully!

“Atsumu, how many times have I -”

Kiyoomi sighed upon the sight of his boyfriend ( _boyfriend!_ ) sprawled across the bed. He walked inside the bedroom, careful not to wake him up.

“C'mon, up, up,” He patted Atsumu's head so he can at least fix his sleeping position to a more comfortable one. 

After a few minutes, to no avail, he gave up and Kiyoomi sighed once more as he softly plopped down on the space beside his sleeping boyfriend. He reached out to brush the hair away from his face, admiring the physical features that make Atsumu… Atsumu.

It's only when times like this that Kiyoomi can peacefully admire his boyfriend up close. It's not like he doesn't do it every day, but moments like this are much more sentimental for him.

“How did I get so lucky with you, ‘Tsumu,” He whispered, slowly tracing his boyfriend's eyebrows, his fingers carefully hovering above the tiny scar above Atsumu's right eyebrow. 

Kiyoomi is curious; he's always been curious about Atsumu in many ways. This tiny scar and where he got it from was simply just one of those. 

But Kiyoomi never bothered to ask about it, he never tried to pry. 

His fingers traced over Atsumu's closed eyelids. “I want to be greedy for once and say I want to be the only person who you'll look at like I hold your whole world.”

Kiyoomi’s fingers softly traced his boyfriend's nose. “But I'll never say that out loud.”

By the time his fingers reached Atsumu's lips, the body suddenly stirred. Scared he'll get caught, Kiyoomi quickly withdrew his hand, sighing to himself once more. He stared at the ceiling for a while and then back to his boyfriend who looks like he can sleep for a whole day.

“Kita-san,” Kiyoomi immediately stiffened upon hearing the name. His eyes trailed over his boyfriend who still has his eyes shut. He shook the thought off, thinking maybe he had only misheard it.

“I love you, Kita-san, please don't leave…” Atsumu mumbled in his sleep. _Ah,_ _so it wasn't something that he had heard by mistake._

Kiyoomi’s heart started to pick up its pace, taking silent deep breaths to calm himself down. He wondered what's gotten into him, why his heart is acting like he had run a 5-kilometer marathon.

The silence that wrapped both of them inside the room soon became deafening. Kiyoomi’s tried to smile and joke it off in his head but the pain (that he'll never admit he's feeling) continued to remain in his heart for the rest of the night.

Atsumu still loves Kita. 

Seven months into dating Kiyoomi, he knew that Atsumu was still in love with him. Atsumu may be good at pretending that wasn’t the case anymore, but Kiyoomi knew better. He may not be able to read every thought Atsumu has, but he’s not stupid enough to not notice.

It didn't surprise Kiyoomi one bit, because he knew this already. But every time he had convinced himself that maybe, just _maybe_ , Atsumu had already come to love him, but somehow the world would still find ways to make it clear that Kiyoomi is everything but his.

Atsumu is here right beside him, but it seems like his heart continued to lie somewhere else. 

Again, Kiyoomi already knew this. But even so, he wondered and continued to ask himself why the hell is he still holding on to that thin thread of hope that somehow, someway, in the near future, Atsumu will love him as he truly is? 

He was never been this dumb when it comes to the topic of feelings or emotions, always answering everything with logic; facing everything with complete rationality. 

But not even logic can help him this time. 

-

“Oh, Omi-kun, you're already awake?” He heard his boyfriend ask behind him as he pulled up a chair in the dining room. 

Kiyoomi tried to get at least three hours of sleep last night. He really tried. But how could he when his head was being a bitch again, constantly nagging him about all the what-ifs he had buried a thousand deep under the surface of his entire being. 

“Mn, yeah. Breakfast?” Kiyoomi brought the plate to the dining table, the soft tunes of his Studio Ghibli playlist playing in the background. He turned the speaker off, washing his hands a little after.

Kiyoomi and Atsumu ate in complete silence, the sounds from their tableware being their only source of the noise. Normally, quiet mornings like these would feel comforting for Kiyoomi but it was a whole different case this time; it all felt suffocating for him to bear. 

He felt like there's something weighing down his shoulders, his words all caught up in his throat. 

For the first time in what seems like forever, he doesn't know what to do. He's lost and with one mistake, he could also lose Atsumu.

Out of all times, why did Kiyoomi have to feel this way now? Things have been going so well for the both of them, or at least that's what he has been telling himself for these past months.

Now, he just wanted to laugh at himself. 

His so-called logic had flaws after all and really made himself believe that things have been _finally_ going his way. For seven months, Kiyoomi deluded himself into thinking that Atsumu has finally come to love him without even doing a reality check.

And now all of those backfired.

Reality finally came knocking at his door and it was time for him to pay for the consequences. Kiyoomi still didn't know what to feel about all of this.

He didn't notice that he's in a daze for a while now until Atsumu waved a hand in front of him, bringing him back to the present. Like a reflex, Kiyoomi looks at Atsumu with a frown.

“Are ya alright, Omi-omi?” Atsumu broke the silence first, concern lingering in his voice and in his facial expression. 

Kiyoomi wanted to say he _hated_ it whenever Atsumu gave him this look. He badly wanted to, but he didn't.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”

“Nothing. It's just that ya have been spacing out for a while now, just thinkin’ if somethin's up with ya,” Atsumu said it so easily and Kiyoomi knows it himself that he can't possibly resist him. “Did ya even sleep?”

“No,” There was no use lying about it, it was clearly evident on his face that he hasn't slept yet. “I was finishing a proposal.” He managed to lie through his teeth.

Atsumu chuckled in response as Kiyoomi squinted his eyes at him. “What are you laughing at?”

“Ah, Omi-kun, yer so cute,” _There he goes again with his teasing_ , Kiyoomi thought. “What proposal are ya talking about? I don't remember the coach talkin’ ‘bout proposals.”

So much for lying, really. 

If there's someone who can read Kiyoomi well aside from his older sister Kiyoko, it would probably be Miya Atsumu. Kiyoomi didn’t know how he did it but it seemed like he can see through every lie Kiyoomi comes up with whereas he can't even read Atsumu even if he tried to study the art of mind-reading. 

Silence enveloped the both of them once again unsurprisingly, it was Atsumu who broke it. “Look, Omi-kun, you don't have to say it if you do -”

“You still love him, don't you?”

Kiyoomi felt like the world had turned silent once again as if time stopped specifically for both of them. He silently pleaded to the heavens for Atsumu to say something, _anything_. Kiyoomi tried his best to come off as blunt as possible, thankful that his voice didn’t crack in the process. 

“Omi-omi, I…” Atsumu started. Kiyoomi couldn't listen to hear his answer - no, he _didn't_ want to. All he wanted was for Atsumu to tell him this one, little lie. How hard could it be, right?

After a few minutes, Atsumu took a deep breath and placed his utensils down. “I’m sorry.”

It was the answer that Kiyoomi had prepared himself to hear but something must be wrong with his heart since it seemed to be acting weirdly today but if ever his heart could make noises, he could probably hear the sound of it shattering to a million pieces.

Kiyoomi had always been so easy to read ever since he was a kid, not because he was expressive but because he didn’t even bother putting much effort into lying about things. He had thought it was too much work.

And now, for once, he wished he was good at hiding his emotions — if not, pretending.

Not knowing what else to say, before he could even stop himself, he had already uttered the words: “Ah, I see.” 

He stood up from the table, bringing along his plate, and placed it in the sink.

“It's your turn to wash the dishes by the way,” Kiyoomi said, making his way to their bedroom. He closed the door behind him and surprised himself that he didn't break down despite expecting himself to do so. 

_Maybe it didn’t sink in yet_. He thought, laughing to himself even though his chest has been aching for a while now ever since what happened over breakfast. 

**To: Motoya**

**Subject:**

_Mind if I stay over at your place for a couple of days?_

**From: Motoya**

**Subject:**

_did something happen? are you alright?_

**From: Motoya**

**Subject:**

_i wouldn't mind, you know that already. i hope you're alright, though._

“I also hope I'm alright,” Kiyoomi whispered to himself, locking his phone. He walked over to his and Atsumu's closet, grabbed a few clothes and some of his personal items. 

If there's somewhere wherein he would be able to think clearly, he knew that their shared apartment isn't the right place especially if the reason for why he's feeling this way was just only a few feet away. 

Kiyoomi's too engrossed in his thoughts that he doesn't notice the door opening. “Omi-kun, yer leaving? Why don't we talk about this?”

“There's nothing we should talk about, 'Tsumu. I need to clear my head for a while, and think about what's going to happen to… you know, _us_ ,” Kiyoomi said, his back facing Atsumu as he double checks his things, hoping he hasn't forgotten anything. “I'll be at Motoya’s.”

Kiyoomi used Atsumu's silence as his cue to leave. 

Part of him was relieved that Atsumu didn't make it harder for him but Kiyoomi would be lying if he said that he wasn't in the least disappointed that Atsumu didn't even bother chasing after him. It was as if… he didn't even bother to try.

And that alone already says a lot.

-

The moment Kiyoomi arrived at Motoya’splace, he was immediately greeted by a short greeting by his cousin. Silence then followed a little after, and Kiyoomi internally thanked Motoya for not prying.

“I hurriedly cleaned the other room after you sent the message. If you need anything, let me know. Get some rest first, you look like a raccoon,” Motoya chuckled at the glare Kiyoomi gave him.

“Thanks, Toya,” Kiyoomi mumbled under his breath. Motoya nodded as a response before closing the door behind him. 

He threw himself on the bed, thoughtlessly staring at the ceiling. Kiyoomi’s heart was no longer hammering against his chest, but the pain continued to remain. Nevertheless, he was just grateful that at the very least, he gets to breathe for a while.

Kiyoomi’s drifted off to a well-deserved sleep, temporarily letting himself (and his heart) rest in the meantime.

-

The moment Osamu arrived in Atsumu and Kiyoomi’s apartment, the first thing he said to his twin brother’s face was something along the lines of: “You’re my twin, and I have your back no matter what but something tells me judging by the look on your face and the text you sent me that you probably fucked something up. Again.”

“Hello to you too, ‘Samu,” Atsumu groaned, plopping down the sofa. 

Osamu grabbed something to drink in the kitchen, feeling the heavy atmosphere Kiyoomi left behind. He wasn’t one to meddle a lot, especially in whatever the hell his brother’s doing with his life but he was always there as Atsumu's moral support.

But of course, unlike every other day, today was an exception. 

He knew Atsumu had probably done something… well, _bad_ , for Kiyoomi to actually leave and that’s something he can’t turn a blind eye to. Because, hypothetically speaking, if it was Kiyoomi’s fault in the first place, Atsumu would be at Osamu's place by now.

Surprise undermined the feeling that Osamu felt the moment Atsumu said he and Kiyoomi are finally dating. He wasn’t entirely fond of the idea that Kiyoomi and Atsumu were together because Atsumu was… Atsumu. However, he also doesn’t hate it; in fact, now that he has thought more about it, Kiyoomi _almost_ even has the same personality as Atsumu's ex-boyfriend, Kita Shinsuke.

But Osamu never bothered to tell that to Atsumu. He had figured that out by now, right? 

“So, what happened?” Osamu asked after gulping down a glass of water. He waited for Atsumu to answer but was only responded by another groan, placing his head on his hands. 

“I- I don’t know, ‘Samu. Things were going well lately but he suddenly asked _this_ question and I…” Atsumu trailed off. 

“Question?”

“He asked me if I still love him. _Love_ , ‘Samu. Present tense,” Atsumu said, exasperated. If his thoughts were tangible, this whole place would be an absolute mess.

“Well, what did ya answer?” Osamu raised an eyebrow. 

“I said I’m sorry.” 

Osamu chucked a couch pillow in Atsumu’s direction, his brother catching it with ease. “Aho. ‘Tsumu, you _aho_. Why did ya say that?”

“Why can’t I?” Atsumu asked innocently and his nonchalance was slowly getting on Osamu’s nerves. For someone who’s called a genius inside the court, he’s actually pretty dumb in terms of getting the memo. 

“You -” Osamu rubbed his face in frustration. “Are ya even aware of yer sleep talking habit? If things were going well between ya two lately just like what ya said, and things got shitty in the morning, maybe it’s something with what ya said last night.”

“I don’t sleep talk anymore, ‘Samu,” Atsumu seriously said and his twin could only look at him as if he was joking. “Fixed that habit a few years ago.”

“Yeah, and continue to keep making excuses just to justify yer actions and it’s no longer going to fix yer relationship with Sakusa-san.”

Silence enveloped the both of them, Osamu waiting for Atsumu to snap out of it. He had always found it hard to talk to Atsumu especially with his stubbornness and pride getting in the way. If he continued with this kind of attitude and kept this up, Osamu thought that Atsumu’s relationship with Kiyoomi would be far from any kind of saving. 

Not everyone’s going to spoon-feed Atsumu with things he needed to realize for himself until the end. Even though they’re twins, not all the time Osamu will be there to clean up his mess every time he fucks things up.

“I still love him, ‘Samu,” Atsumu blurted out of nowhere. “But I also love Omi-kun.”

Osamu stood up from the other sofa to sit beside Atsumu. “You got only one heart, ‘Tsumu. It’s either ya choose the one who’s waitin’ for ya to love them back or the one who no longer loves ya.” He patted Atsumu on the shoulder.

“I’m leaving, Rin told me to buy milk and eggs on the way back. Whatever choice you’ll end up with, I’m going to support ya no matter what. I trust ya to make the right decision this time, even though yer a fucking _aho._ Good luck,” Osamu said, walking right to the door. 

He paused in his step, turning his attention back to Atsumu once again. “Oh and ‘Tsumu?”

Atsumu raised his head, “Hm?”

“I hope you know that it was yer subconsciousness talking whenever ya sleep talk, and Sakusa-san knows that much. I just wanna get it out there.” 

And with that, Osamu left the apartment as Atsumu continued to drown once again in complete silence.

-

“So, what are you going to do about it?” 

The question that Motoya asked still continued to echo in his mind, leaving Kiyoomi at loss for words. Kiyoomi’s head bombarded him with endless questions: Is this the part where they break up? Will it be another waste of time if he'll continue to wait for Atsumu to love him back? Is it still worth it, hanging on to this thin thread of hope that seems like it’s going to break the longer Kiyoomi holds onto it?

“I’m going to break up with him.” 

Motoya looked at him, unsurprised, but also unconvinced. “You’re saying that but your facial expression says otherwise.” He threw a couple of chips in his mouth. 

“You’re not very good at lying, you know?” 

“Yeah,” Kiyoomi said bluntly. “I’m well-aware, thanks.”

Motoya shrugged. “Take your time to think about it. No one’s forcing you to stay with him, no one’s also forcing you to leave him. Well, the choice is always up to you to make, not me. However, as your cousin, just know I have your back.”

-

A week after Kiyoomi left his and Atsumu's apartment, he was surprised to see that aside from the fact that it was _clean_ , the place was silent. Meaning, Atsumu probably wasn't home.

He had made up his mind and prepared himself for this.

“Omi-omi? Is that you?”

_Or not_.

Kiyoomi stiffened as he heard footsteps behind him. He took a deep breath and put on his best I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you-anymore face. He no longer wants to be swept off his feet by his emotions all because of Miya Atsumu… again.

“Why are you packing your stuff? Are- are you -” Atsumu stuttered out. 

Kiyoomi mustered all the courage not to break down upon seeing his face. He missed being home with Atsumu and saying that the past week was nothing but hell was an understatement.

“Let's break up, Miya-san.”

“Omi-kun, no, please. Let's talk about this,” Atsumu pleaded, holding his hand out to grab Kiyoomi’s. “Hear my side at least.”

Kiyoomi shook his head, giving him a small smile. “Look, Miya-san, I can't stay with someone who still has feelings for someone else. I'm tired, and it feels like I've just wasted my time on you, on this whole _thing_.”

“I'm done convincing myself all this time that I'm strong enough, that I'm _composed enough_ to handle this,” Kiyoomi ran a hand through his hair— a habit that Atsumu had noticed these past months every time Kiyoomi gets worked up. “But the truth is… I'm not.”

“It hurts me everytime I see you because it feels like my walls are starting to crumble down once again...” Kiyoomi softly placed his hand on Atsumu's cheek, cupping it as he caressed his cheek with utmost care. As if Atsumu will break if he makes at least one wrong move.

It was a gesture that never failed to make Atsumu feel at ease and the moment Kiyoomi’s hand came in contact with his cheek, Atsumu felt chills running down his spine and could no longer hold his tears back. With a shaking hand, he placed it over Kiyoomi’s.

Kiyoomi felt like he was talking too much today — which was rare because Atsumu was the one who did most of the talking — but he didn't want to leave Atsumu without saying anything, especially when he had suppressed a lot of his emotions these past months.

“I love you, Atsumu. I really, really, do. And loving you was one of the things I was most certain of despite all the doubts and uncertainties I had,” Kiyoomi slowly closed the space between them, and instead of kissing him on the lips, he went and softly placed a kiss on Atsumu's forehead. 

“But if you don't know who you love, let me go.”

**Author's Note:**

> scream at me on twitter or something :D


End file.
